How To Grow Your Postpartum Village
We’ve all heard the saying “it takes a village to raise a child.” But it also takes a village to support mothers. Too often in today’s society, women feel the need to isolate or “do it all” by themselves. This leaves us lonely, in the dark, and sometimes, less educated on our bodies and babies than if we spoke to, listened to, and shared our struggles with others.
Here at CODDLE, we want to change what postpartum looks like for mothers. We’re here to encourage community, communication, openness, and sharing the load. Postpartum doesn’t have to be lonely. Whether you’re expecting a baby and planning ahead, or have already given birth, we hope these tips on how to grow your postpartum village will help.
WHY DO I NEED A POSTPARTUM “VILLAGE?”
As we already mentioned, postpartum can be a very isolating experience--particularly for first-time moms. It’s a time when our bodies are re-adjusting to their non-pregnant state. Changes are happening rapidly, both externally and internally. We have physical wounds, and some are more painful and longer-lasting than others.
Depression and anxiety are also common during the postpartum period. This can be worsened by the lack of sleep, feelings of helplessness and overwhelm. All of these things can often be made better or easier if we have support. Someone to hold the baby while we take a long bath, someone to watch the baby so that we can nap. Someone to cook a healthy meal for you when you just don’t have the energy. It’s these little things that our loved ones, our “village” can help with that can make the biggest difference in our postpartum experience. It doesn’t have to be lonely, and it doesn’t have to be as hard as it often is. Find your village and let them help.
HOW CAN I “ACTIVATE” MY POSTPARTUM VILLAGE?
Not everyone in our lives will be proactive about helping, or even know how to help sometimes. It’s easy to dance around the topic when you need help but aren’t sure how to ask for it - or what to ask for. But everyone in our lives (hopefully) does want to help and will be willing to do anything you need.
One tip is to make a list of everyone you already consider to be a part of your “village.” This can be friends, your parents, your in-laws, neighbors, husband, and even caregivers if you have older children in daycare or with a nanny. All of these people who make up your normal support system can be a part of your postpartum village. Reflect on each of these people and who they are. What do they like to do? What are their skills? Interests? How close do they live?
Reflecting on our loved ones and how they can help us might seem selfish, but we’re here to tell you no. It’s not. This is what loved ones are here for, and they will jump at the chance to be a part of the new baby’s life and to support you however they can.
So if your mother-in-law, for example, loves to cook -- ask if she can come over and make a meal, or bring over some pre-made meals. If you have a friend who just loves holding and snuggling babies, let them hold your little one while you get some rest or free time.
Asking for favors that fall in line with someone’s interests, personality, or skills, will make them feel useful, special, heard, and they will be happy to help.
HOW CAN I GROW MY VILLAGE, IF I DON’T HAVE MUCH OF ONE?
Not everyone has a ton of friends or family nearby. Sometimes, it’s not until you go through a major life event (or become a parent!) when you realize how important it is to have a village. It’s never too late to create one. Whether you have acquaintances that you’d like to turn into friends, or a few Facebook groups that you could be a little more active on, chances are that you have opportunities to create meaningful relationships.
Below are some ideas on how to start relationships and begin creating a village for yourself. Chances are, you’re not the only one around you who needs this village. Don’t be afraid to take the lead or make the first move!
1. REACH OUT
If you have acquaintances or friends that you aren’t too close with, you can start growing and nurturing these friendships. Practice opening up about your life, struggles, and reciprocate with them, as well. Perhaps you already know someone who has kids, but you lived such different lives that you didn’t hang out much. Well now, things could be different! Oftentimes, you’ll make easier connections with moms now that you have similar things to talk about. New moms love bonding with others about their birth stories, cute things their babies are doing, milestones, etc. We might do a little complaining here and there, too ;) But it’s so nice to have someone around who knows what you’re going through. Find someone like that and work on nourishing that relationship.
2. USE SOCIAL MEDIA
Social media is a great tool for starting new friendships. There are even apps specifically for moms seeking out mom friends. During the postpartum period (plus COVID!) you might not be leaving the house much. But while you’re sitting on the couch breastfeeding, you can be messaging or connecting with a friend on your phone.
Finding a good mom friend to chat with or joining some mom groups on Facebook can be a great way to share your experience with others, hear about other mom’s experiences, and learn more about being a mom and surviving the postpartum period.
Hint: There’s an app called Peanut that’s made specifically for moms looking to connect. You can share the ages of your children, your interests, and set up mom dates or play dates from there. There’s also a community feed aspect to the app, making it a little like Facebook, but mom-specific. The app feels a little like Tinder and you can swipe left or right to find a good match.
3. TELE-THERAPY
Therapy. Is. Amazing. Whether you suffer with mental health or not, seeing a therapist or a counselor can be a great way to get things off your chest, organize your thoughts and feelings, and set new goals for yourself.
Online therapy was already a thing before COVID-19, but now it’s even bigger and more prominent. You can find a local therapist to speak to remotely, or find one anywhere in the country.
When researching or being matched with a therapist, think about your goals with therapy and what you might want to talk about the most. Finding a suitable match ( a woman, for example ) that you will be comfortable opening up to is key.
Having a therapist is a great way to ensure that you get some human contact every week, or however often you meet, regardless of your friends and family and their schedule.
HOW CAN I CREATE OR BE A VILLAGE FOR SOMEONE ELSE?
We’ve discussed opening up and letting yourself receive help, and even learning to ask for it. But this goes the other way around, too. Now that you’re a mom, you know a little bit more about how birth and the postpartum period can feel. This puts you in a position to reach out and help other new moms, as well. Be a friend.
If you see other women in mom groups struggling, be kind. Reach out and help in the way that you’d want to be helped. Postpartum can be such a humbling and eye-opening experience for so many women. We go through a huge physical event during birth, and a trying, yet wonderful, postpartum experience with a new baby. These are not easy tasks, and women everywhere can help each other get through these events.
After a while, some of your friends might start getting pregnant and preparing for motherhood, too. Offer advice if they want it. Let them know that you’re there for them both during the pregnancy and after. And make sure they know you mean it. It’s just as hard for them to ask for help as it is/was for you.
Lastly, Motherhood can be hard. Being a human in general, can be hard. One thing that we’ve learned at CODDLE is that motherhood, and life, can be made easier and more meaningful when it’s shared. We’ve built a community of real mothers with real stories, real scars, and real strength-- and we are all here to help you.
Through all of our informational blog posts and content that follow every part of motherhood, to our e-Books on postpartum and recovery, to our followers with stories to share. Every aspect of CODDLE was designed to be a village for you to utilize during this time of your life. Let us help. Ask questions. Tell us what worries you, what you’d like to learn more about, and what you need as a mom and as a person. We’re here for you!
