How Postpartum Depression Affects Your Partner Too
Today is World Maternal Mental Health Day. In honor of this day we would like to shine a spotlight on postpartum depression. Specifically, how it might affect your partner. After birth is a time for celebration. It can, however, be a dark time too. A time when mothers need more support than ever. Mothers need to go into this time period with the knowledge that postpartum depression can occur in both the Mom and her partner. According to JAMA Psychiatry, one in seven new moms are diagnosed with postpartum depression. When a mom suffers so does her partner. When you’re depressed your spirit feels lost, your food doesn’t taste good anymore. The world doesn’t seem to be on your side. You feel like no one understands, and you feel alone. You want the people around you to understand, to help, to save you from it. Your partner, more than anyone else, is going to feel this pressure. But how is your partner’s mental health?
You need to check in with your partner and they need to check in with you. As partners, you should know each other pretty well before the baby comes. But things change when you have a kid. You will be looking to your partner to help you navigate this new world. This is a healthy impulse. Your partner knows who you are. To speak more accurately, however, they really know who you were. They’ve also seen an incredible change in the way you act, speak, think, and treat them. Oftentimes, you may seem like a whole different person. Having a newborn in the house is stressful. Life changes for everyone, and there are a ton of new responsibilities for both parents. In a state of postpartum depression, it’s easy to feel like you are having the worst time, or that you are suffering more than your partner. But most likely, you are just suffering differently.
Your Partner’s Suffering
Your partner might not be depressed, or anxious, or angry. They may not have lost their energy, drive, and passion for life. But one thing they have lost, is you. They’ve lost their partner. You are suffering from postpartum depression and you have changed. Between the depression, caring from the newborn, and healing from childbirth, it’s unlikely that the two of you have shared many intimate moments together. You probably don’t even want him to touch you anymore, right? Having a newborn clinging to you almost all hours of the day can be exhausting—so when you can get a break, you take it. You want your body to yourself, and only to yourself. It’s completely normal. But where does that leave your partner?
If your partner is a man, you already know that men and women cope with life events differently. You probably noticed that as a couple, but baby makes that divide even larger. While you want more alone time, he’s looking for someone to validate his feelings. He’s just not going to say it like that. The key to making it through postpartum depression is to get on the same page with your partner. Know that “while women tend to turn their sadness and fear inward, men are more likely to express depression through anger, aggressiveness, irritability and anxiety…” during this time. If he is acting out, see that for what it is. Just as your postpartum depression will come to an end, your partner’s mental health will also improve.
You need to remember that your partner is on this adventure with you. They watched you grow new life inside of you, give birth to the child you share together—he/she even looks like them. This is something you did together. So why does it feel like it’s torn you apart? Postpartum depression hurts, and you’re not the only one it hurts. How can we help our partners continue to be strong for us during postpartum depression?
Encourage Research
Encourage them to research postpartum depression on their own. The first step in getting your partner to recognize your feelings is to show that you aren’t crazy, right? Lot’s of woman suffer from postpartum depression. Seeing that others are going through the same thing you are, and that there’s an end in sight, helps to remove yourself from the immediate situation and see the larger picture. To really understand what’s happening. All couples fight. And they fight even more after baby comes. Reading the research gives both you and your partner some much needed perspective during a stressful time. Once your partner starts seeing the signs, it’s easier for them to not take it personally. Mom is stressed. She’s tired. She’s in pain. It’s not about them. It’s not something your partner did. It’s simply the time you’re in right now.
There are still many people who haven’t heard of postpartum depression. There are people who judge others during this time period. Let people know that it’s natural to struggle after birth. You just went through a HUGE life event. Probably the most significant event of your life. It’s a joyous occasion, but it’s also traumatic. Let yourself be heard. Don’t let people tell you something is wrong with you. That you’re doing something wrong. Make sure your partner isn’t one of them. Inform them. Let them know that you are not “crazy,” and that something very real and biological is going on inside of you. It’s normal, and it does not last forever!
Get Outside Support
Let your partner know that there are support groups like postpartummen that they can join if they need to vent or talk to someone about what’s going on. In the same way that you don’t want to go through your postpartum depression alone, they shouldn’t go through your postpartum depression alone, either. Encourage them to talk to someone who isn’t you, so they can get a break.
When you are depressed, it’s easier for your spouse or partner to take on some of these feelings. Give them as much support as you can give them during this time. You are both suffering—take care of each other!
